Purpose in Pain: On to a better land!

“And you shall remember that the LORD your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the LORD. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land…” Deuteronomy 8:2-3, 7a
 
On the other side of your wilderness is a good land! But do not forget the lessons learned. For this reason, pile up stones of remembrance for yourself and others. After the Lord “dried up the waters of the Jordan” for the people of Israel to cross over, Joshua told the priests to gather up stones and he piled them up so that for generations people would see these stones and ask what they mean, and then they would be able to tell of all their great God had done. Joshua said it best in Joshua 4:24.

^“That all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty and that you may reverence and fear the Lord your God forever.”

So I have added a small, gold heart to my charm necklace that holds Mikaela’s birthstone and to which I had planned to add the September sapphire. This small heart is there to remind me that in reality, I am a mother of two, though one is being kept by a much more capable parent than I. It is also there to remind me of the power of God in this difficult time, of the light He shed in my darkest hour. And if anyone questions the significance of the charm, the door will be wide open for me to share about the awesome power of God.

Do not dwell on the past. Do not fall into the pit of what might have been at the risk of forsaking what can be. Allow God to complete the wonderful work He has begun in you. (Philippians 1:6)  

Learn from the past, live in the present, and look expectantly into your future. God has great things in store for you! To God be the glory!
 

“Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]” Ephesians 3:20

Purpose in Pain: Proper mourning

Well, for the first month after we lost the baby I was daily standing in awe of God and the fact that He was keeping my in such peace.

^“You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You.” Isaiah 26:3

Sure, I had my moments. But that's just what they were, moments. I’d tear up out of the blue, get sad, and just need to either be held by Tim, hold Mikaela, or just be alone. But after a short while it would pass and I was able to move on. Then, on a Saturday night in late March, I was in bed alone, reading, and it hit me. All of a sudden I felt this intense grief and pain overtake me. I began to cry harder and louder than I had since everything happened. I was overwhelmed, and I was confused. What was this? Where was it coming from? What do I do with it? Part of me said, “Feel it.” And a larger part said, “Fight it.”

The next morning I was still just barely holding it together. With tears brimming my eyes I made it through the motions of getting ready, making it to church, and singing in the choir. The choir special that day got me chocked up, and I just made it to my seat before a few tears began to fall. I quickly dabbed them away and resolved myself to focus on the sermon and put aside all of these emotions. Well, our pastor gets up, turns to the book of Job and says, “Today we are going to talk about mourning.” I lost it! As he began to read from chapter 3 (where Job gives voice to all his pain, and even asked why he didn’t die in his mother’s womb) I ran out of Kleenex and was in such a pitiful state I can only imagine what everyone around me was thinking.  

At first I was angry, “Why God? Why when I’m feeling like this do You let this be the sermon I have to sit through? Aren’t I hurting enough?” I have never before truly felt like a sermon was just for me, but that day’s message could have been said to me if it were only Pastor Tim and I talking in his office. As he continued, I realized this was a message of healing. A message God had for me to show me how to deal with all I was feeling.  

In a nutshell, Pastor Tim explained that when tragedy strikes the first thing you need to immediately do is begin to build yourself up in the Lord so when the painful, negative thoughts enter your mind you will be able to stand on what you know is true. Build yourself up and then allow yourself to mourn.

You see, Job gave voice to his pain, and in so doing only made things worse and opened the door for Satan to attack him on a mental/emotional level. (Because our words have power. Prov. 18:21) If we immediately speak those things we know to be true from scripture…God will never leave me. (Heb. 13:5) My times are in His hands. (Ps. 31:15) God has great plans for me. (Jer. 29:11) God will work this out for my good. (Rom. 8:28) God is my strength. (Prov. 18:10) I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13)…then our spirit is strong and able to stand under the pressures of our circumstances, because we will know that we are more than conquerors through Him Who loves us! (Rom. 8:37)

I realized God was telling me, through Pastor Tim, “You have built yourself up in Me. Now you need to let yourself feel this and properly grieve this loss.” The beauty of it all is that we do not grieve as the world grieves, because we have hope and the assurance of a better day, of promises fulfilled. (1 Thes. 4:13) And I know that He is holding my baby until I have the chance to do so.

 So if you are struggling…first give voice to the promises of God (our weapons…2 Cor. 10:4). Then give yourself time to grieve…but do not voice your negative emotions! Speak life! A new day is coming. And when it comes it will bring new mercies and stronger faith.

"It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23

Purpose in Pain: Be still

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

Regardless of what you are going through, this is powerful advice. And in a world of “rush rush rush,” this is something we don’t do enough of. And in the event that we consider slowing down for a moment, we often feel condemned. I challenge you to trade in your “GO GO GO” life for a few minutes of “standing in awe of God.” (Ecc. 5:7 NIV)

There are many places in scripture where we are encouraged to rest…not to mention that from the beginning of creation God set aside an entire day for that specific purpose!

Recently our Sunday morning Bible study class has been going through the book of Ruth. Last week one verse practically jumped off the page at me. After Ruth returns from, for lack of a better word, proposing to Boaz, Naomi gives some very wise advise when she says, “Sit still my daughter, until you learn how the matter turns out;” (Ruth 3:18). Are you going through something difficult, exhausting, or confusing right now? Take wisdom from Solomon (he’s a pretty good source for wisdom) when he says in Ecclesiastes 5:2, “Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.”

So please, for the health of your spirit and the sanity of your mind, take time to just be in His presence. Let Him speak to your heart and give you new insight and understanding. And allow the God of all to give you rest for your soul.

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

 

^“THE LORD is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack. He makes me lie down in [fresh, tender] green pastures; He leads me beside the still and restful waters. He refreshes and restores my life (my self);” Psalm 23:1-3a

Purpose in Pain: Thank you, Lord?

“Give thanks in all circumstances.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18a

How? How do you give thanks in the midst of your darkest moment…in fear, in pain, possibly even in anger?

A few years back the Lord brought something to my attention that has been a great help to me. If you take a look at the beginning of the book of Job we see Satan coming to the Lord after having been roaming around on the earth, and God actually brought up Job. He asked, “Have you considered my servant Job?” (God was proud of Job!) Even Satan knew that Job was a man of God. But he presented God with a challenge. In Jenny paraphrase he said, “Look, I know that he is a great man of faith and all, but look at how much you’ve blessed him! He’s one of the wealthiest men on the earth. It’s easy for him to serve you! I promise that if you take all that away from him he will no longer be a great man of faith.” God says, “I’ll take that challenge.” You see, God had faith in Job’s faith! Does God see me that way? Does Satan see me as a threat he wants to take down? Just a thought…if you have had no struggles, maybe Satan doesn’t view you as a problem…hummmm….

So how about when faced with a trial we try responding with something like this, “Thank you, Lord that you see me as strong enough to go through this trail. I know I can do whatever I have to do through the power of Christ living in me, which gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13)

Here’s another thought…In John chapter 9 we see a man born blind. Many ask Jesus, “Who sinned that this happened?” And Jesus answers that no one sinned but this has happened that God may be glorified. Then they all witnessed the power of God as Christ restored the man's sight.

I am not saying that God has caused your trial, but I am saying that, if you let Him, God will use whatever you are going through to grow and strengthen you and your faith and to gain glory for Himself and His kingdom. People are watching you in the midst of your trial. Let them see God! And give God thanks that He is with you every step of the way and that He sees you as strong enough to go through this. He never gives us more than we can bear. (1 Cor. 10:13)

If you are going through a tough time, I challenge you to take a few minute and list all the things you can be thankful for in the midst of your trial. This may be difficult, but give it a shot. I promise the change in perspective will increase your strength. And please remember, God loves you and will never leave you.

The day after learning we had loss the baby I made this list of things I could be thankful for:

• My mother-in-law was here to stay with Mikaela when it all happened.
• I have an amazing husband who loves me and the Lord. He’s strong and compassionate.
• Tim was able to be with me for the ultrasound when I got the news.
• I found out from the doctors and not at home alone.
• They were able to schedule the procedure quickly.
• I have a wonderful, Christian doctor.
• I have Mikaela to come home to and hold.
• My parents came up and we had time together.  

What can you be thankful for?

Purpose in Pain: No Guilt in Grace

Guilt in grace? Sound a little strange? You see, Satan has a funny way of condemning you no matter what you’re doing. If you’re upset, he may tell you that you should suck it up and quite all the self-pity. (Sometimes, when appropriate, God may say that to you as well, so you’d better be spending time with Him so you can tell the difference!) I experienced the opposite. Here I was, at what was the lowest moment of my life, and yet I was hopeful and positive. This was NOT of myself! I never imagined being able to have that kind of peace.

Anytime I had ever let the thought of losing a baby enter my mind I would immediately cringe and imagine that I would be so knocked down by such a tragedy that I would lock myself away and not leave the house (or maybe even my room) for as long as possible. But the truth is I have secluded myself more when having a cold than I did after losing this baby. Despite our painful loss, I was overcome by this incredible need to be with people and to share the love and peace that God had given me. I could hardly wait until Sunday to be with my church family and to let them see, that by His power, I was ok!!

In the midst of these feelings the Lord had given me there were other nagging questions in the back of my mind. As Tim and I sat in the waiting area about to be called back to prep for the surgery that would physically take my baby from me, I was a mixture of emotions. I wasn’t falling apart, but shouldn’t I be? Was it right that the people in the waiting area with me would not know that I has just suffered such a devastating loss? And once called back, should I really attempt to smile when I met the nurses and orderly? Wasn’t that wrong? They knew why I was there. Wouldn’t they think something was wrong with me if I didn’t appear distraught? I felt so conflicted, the feelings I thought I should have and the consistent feeling of peace I did have were at war within me. As I contemplated these questions in my mind, this still, small voice spoke to my spirit, “You don’t have to fall apart. I have given you peace. Let them see Me.”

So there is no need to feel guilty for the grace God may give you in the midst of your trial. Let them see Him! The scripture tells us many times to rejoice in trials, count it all joy (James 1:2-3), for the joy of the Lord is our strength (Nehemiah 8:10). Even in suffering we can be holy (set apart) for Him. Trust in the only One who can turn your mourning into dancing! (Psalm 30:11) Don’t let Satan tell you that being at peace is wrong. I was suffering greatly at this time (and still have rough moments), but by His grace I had peace in my heart though the storms of life continued to rage around me. God is so good!

“Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance.” Romans 5:3 (Amplified Bible)

Purpose in Pain: A Better Plan (cont’d)

We can rest assured that when God doesn’t give us something we really want it is because that thing is not His absolute best for us. (Isaiah 55:8-9) Yes, this is a hard pill to swallow. And I am not saying that God gave us this baby and then changed His mind. I am saying that in His sovereign wisdom (which is something that as a Christian you must accept in order to maintain any sanity in a world corrupted by sin and tainted by mere human thought), God knew that this trial would bring Tim and I to a higher plane and a deeper level in a way nothing else could, making us more usable (and relatable) instruments for His work, something for which we pray diligently.

Perhaps God knew that even more than being “Mommy” again, what was best for me right now is to grow in my faith (James 1). Knowing that I am called into ministry, I am constantly praying for God to make me who He wants me to be (more like Him). 1 Corinthians 1:27 makes this need very clear! J Uncomforatable as it is, trial accomplishes this like nothing else (just as gold is purified by fire - 1 Peter 1:7).

Painful as the process has been, it has given me new found strength and confidence to carry on, to continue to grow. God says He’ll be there, and He means it!

This post is shorter than most. Please read it a couple of times and think it through. And most importantly, please click on the verses, as that is where the true wisdom lies!

Purpose in Pain: A Better Plan

Isaiah 55:8-9 have carried me through many inexplicable moments in my life. Whatever your particular struggle - from wondering why relationships fail to questioning the loss of a seemingly great opportunity, from enduring undeserved rejection to experiencing gut-wrenching loss - one thing is clear from these verses. God has a master plan.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”

I think it is of utmost importance that we recognize the incredible promise contained in these verses. There is a Christian school of doom and gloom out there that would say, “God has a plan. It doesn’t make sense to us, but His ways are not ours, so get over it.” Well, while that may be true in a sense, let’s take another look at what is being said. Yes, His ways are not ours, meaning they are different, but then He goes on to say that not only are His ways different, but they are higher, meaning they are better!

God sees things we cannot see and when He looks at our lives, I believe He sees the end from the beginning, and He has a perfect plan for us. I believe He wants and plans wonderful things for each of us; however, because we don’t live in a perfect world, we are going to (as Christ told us in John 16:33) face difficult times. When we encounter these trials we are at a decision point. Will we give up and turn down the road of defeat and despair never to be truly effective examples of the awesome power of the Holy Spirit that lives inside of us, or will we give our situation, with all its hurt, pain, and questions over to the Lord and let Him use the situation and us to bring further glory to Himself and victory for the kingdom?

The question is not whether we will go through pain and trial, but rather what will we do when these times come? I’m not saying that our situations should never knock us down. There are moments in life, so painful and so tragic that our human forms simply cannot hold it together. As the Jesus said, “The Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.” (Matt. 26:41) So the point is not that you never fall down but rather that you get back up! (Prov. 24:16) Build yourself up in the Spirit daily (fill your arsenal, if you will) so that when these times come you will be able to stand. As Joyce Meyer often says, “You can be pitiful or powerful, but you can’t be both!” You decide!

To be continued…

Purpose in Pain: Stand on the Promises!

“God is in heaven, and you are here on earth. So let your words be few.” Ecclesiastes 5:2 (NLT)

One of my favorite things is to search for and mark the promises of God to us that are found in His Word. They are countless! Years ago God gave me a “confession,” if you will, that says, “God will not let me miss or mess up any of the plans that He has for my life as long as I am truly seeking Him.” I often say this out loud, as the scripture tells us that our words have power (Proverbs 18:22). And based on verses like Proverbs 16:9 & 19:22, I believe that each of us can claim this promise as our own.

I believe that God is constantly preparing us for things we don’t understand. If we have given our lives to Him as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1) we must endure whatever comes with the faith that He will never leave us (Hebrews 13:5). (If you are not familiar with the poem Footprints, I suggest reading it.) Years ago I began praying “Use me,” and “Make me.” I know that in all my “human-ness” I am a mess. But I also know, as sure as the air that I breathe, that God has placed a calling on my life. So to get to “use me” I will no doubt have to continue in the “make me” process (which will never be complete this side of glory). I have to walk with Him each day (whether good or difficult), trusting that He is on the job. He is making me into an “approved workman” (2 Timothy 2:15), an instrument ready for the task He has set before me (which only He knows in full). He is answering my prayers! When pain and trial come, should I abandon my call and seek my own comfort, crying, “Lord, it’s too hard!”? No! I can’t! I’m in it all the way! As Paul said, I must press on.” (Philippians 3:12 & 14)  

I always wondered how I would react if my faith was ever truly shaken. Now I know, from experience, that He really is my Rock, and because of His power alive in me I truly can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13) That knowledge alone is priceless!

Two other things I have always believed but now know as never before are that, “I know Whom I have believed,” (2 Timothy 1:12) and that, "He Who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it.” (Philippians1:6)

You may be thinking, “That’s great for you, but I don’t have a “call” on my life.” Yes, you do! If you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior, you are now His ambassador (personal representative) to the world! (2 Corinthians 5:20) There is no greater call! Now, fulfill it! Study to show yourself approved. (2 Timothy 2:15) And know that, come what may, He will never leave you! (Hebrews 13:5) Let go of your life, and let Him have it. You’ll find peace like you’ve never known.

Purpose in Pain: Peace in the Storm

At 4 a.m. the day after learning about the loss of our baby and just hours before we would head to the hospital for the procedure, God woke me gently with these words that I wrote down.

In Christ we can stand in the midst of tragedy amazed by the power of God. In what should be our weakest moment we can find strength we never dreamed of. While life’s storm rages around us, we can find complete peace from the only One who says, “Peace, be still.” (Mark 4:39)

Last year, when I was organizing a women’s conference for our church and the day was almost here, I was thinking over all I had to do. In my spirit (so clearly it was nearly audible) I heard God say, “I got it!” It was an amazing feeling, and for the rest of that week I walked in joy and peace instead of fear and anxiety. I was able to enjoy that time instead of being completely stressed out. And undoubtedly I was a much better reflection of the message I was hoping to convey than if I had been a complete mess.

I challenge you to remember these words from God. If you find yourself in a moment of worry or fear hear God say, “I got it!” And let that be the end of it. What peace! God knows your heart, and if you are earnestly seeking Him, He’ll take care of everything else!

“But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.” Matthew 6:33 (Amplified Bible)

Purpose in Pain: Backfire!

Don’t you just love it when good triumphs over evil?! Isn’t it great when the wicked fall into their own pit? (Proverbs 26:27)

I have always loved the story of Joseph (Genesis 37-50). Sold into slavery by his brothers and later sentenced unjustly to prison, Joseph never lost his faith. He knew God could pull him out of anything and eventually, not only did God get Joseph out of prison and slavery, but He gave Joseph favor and raised him up to second in command to Pharaoh!  (Eph. 3:20) Then, years later when there was a famine in the land, Egypt was prepared (because God had given Joseph foresight and wisdom). At their end, Joseph’s brothers came to beg for food and refuge. They had to beg this from Joseph, though they did not recognize him (assuming he would have died years ago). When Joseph revealed himself (and once their father (Jacob) had died) his brothers feared for their lives. But instead of using his power and authority to condemn them, Joseph delivered one of the most profound thoughts in scripture when he said, “What you intended for evil, God intended for good.”

WOW!  When this pregnancy tragically ended in the loss of the baby I was carrying Satan was very pleased with himself. I have known for years that God has called me into a fulltime ministry (though I do not yet know the full form that will take), and I’m sure Satan thought that this loss would be a sure setback and would halt, if not completely derail my progress, growth, and influence. I must say I had often wondered myself what I would do if ever faced with such a situation. But God, as He promised in scripture, was and is my Rock! When everything around me began to crumble, my foundation held! Talk about an ultimate backfire! Instead of stopping me in my tracks, it gave me more fuel! Because God was so faithful, and I had the opportunity to see and taste His truths and see the Word put to the test and prevail in my life as never before, I am more determined than ever to share of the great things God has done!

You see, if you and I will keep God in the forefront of our minds and keep our hearts turned toward Him, we will see this powerful scenario played out again and again in our own lives. And in doing so, we’ll open up the door not only for our own deliverance but for the benefit of others as they witness the power of our great God at work in our lives to turn tragedy into triumph.

Whatever you are going through, give it to God right now. He can use anything to bring Himself glory. And if we will pour out our lives before Him, He will take our darkest moments and use them to bring light to the world. What Satan intends for our evil, God will use for our good. Take that Satan!

Purpose in Pain: Jesus Has Overcome!

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

This verse has often been a source of strength, power and hope to me over the years. As I got ready for bed the night after learning that our baby was now with Jesus, I heard this in my Spirit, and it ministered to me more than ever. Read it again! (Please commit it to memory so when you need it, it will be there!)

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Christ never promised us a perfect or easy life, and anyone who was told that being a Christian meant that the things of this world won’t touch you was sorely deceived. Quite the opposite, Jesus warned us clearly that we would indeed have many trials and struggles just like everyone else. But in us there is a difference!

This scripture doesn’t mean the things of this world won’t happen to us. It means that in Christ we can (we will!) find the strength to rise above them! The difference between us and the world (those who don’t know Christ) is not that we don’t suffer, but rather that we are not affected the same way. The world will suffer and be struck down. We will suffer, but in Christ we will rise up higher!

“for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes.” Proverbs 24:16

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

Please take a moment to click the link below and let this song minister to you as is has to me. We too face pain and suffer trial, and yet, because of our risen Lord, we can stand again and say, “Bring it on world! For by the power of Christ, which lives in me, I will rise!”  

“I Will Rise” By Chris Tomlin   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yvfso4Q8xg

Purpose in Pain: The Power of Peace

We were given the option to have tests run to find out exactly what had caused the loss of the pregnancy. Both Tim and I said, without hesitation, that we did not need to know. I see nothing wrong with finding out, and had it been our first I believe we may have been more likely to opt for this testing; however, in this moment we were both able to just accept that God was in complete control and had it all taken care of. The fact that He knew what was going on was sufficient.

I have mentioned that scripture was put to the test in my life through this trial as never before. In addition to this, I began to see many scriptures that I had quoted for years in an entirely new way.

As I was getting ready for bed that night, I was trying to figure out how it was possible that I didn’t feel the need to ask why and that we had no need to be able to explain it all. Being such a strong type A personality, this is very against my nature. Then the Lord brought these verses to mind:

  “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 (NKJV)

I had always seen this scripture as describing a peace that could not be explained and that passed all reason. This is very true, but this night I understood an entirely new aspect of God’s peace. Not only does it pass understanding, but it surpasses understanding, meaning it is better than understanding! So it hit me; having the peace of God was better than having the scientific explanation.  Not only can God’s peace not be explained, but it means I need no explanation!

Think on that for a while. It is amazing. I can’t explain the peace we have, but because we have it we need no further understanding. Only God can do that…especially in someone like me who always feels the need to understand everything!

With this kind of peace we can take whatever life throws our way. But there is only one way to obtain this peace, and that is by coming to and abiding in the One who gives it.

So that night, wrapped in my husband’s arms and the Father’s love, I drifted off to sleep with a heavy heart but a spirit that was inexplicably strong and at peace.

“Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.” 1 Thessalonians 4:13

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. “ Matthew 5:4

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18

Purpose in Pain: Entering the Trial (part 2)

So we are at the imaging center. As soon as the technician puts the device on my belly the wonderful image of our precious baby is on the screen. There is no mistaking the head, the face, the tiny arms and legs all curled up inside me. Tim was right there next to me, and we both watched with held breath as the technician worked in complete silence for what seemed like forever. Having been through this before I had a pretty clear understanding of what I was looking at. I was 10 and a half weeks pregnant, but the baby was measuring at 9 and a half weeks. I wasn’t overly concerned about this, as the same happened with Mikaela. However, at the very end, a curser was placed over the baby’s chest, and I saw straight lines scrolling across the bottom of the screen. My heart began to sank, and I tighten my grip on Tim’s hand. The technician said she was going to take the images to the Radiologist and would return shortly. Tim was holding out hope, but I knew in my heart what we had just seen.

I was sitting on the edge of the table facing Tim, when the radiologist walked in the room. The results were written all over his face. “Unfortunately,” he began, “the tests confirm…” Anything else he said was lost on me as my heart jumped into my throat and Tim reached for me with both hands. The thing I had feared most was coming true. The doctor told us to take all the time we needed and left the room. There, in the dark room lit only by the glow of the monitors, Tim and I held each other (more like he held me), and I said the first thing that came to my mind… “I can't go through this again.”

I had been sick and fatigued with this pregnancy, but no more than with Mikaela (maybe even a bit less), but for some reason I had less tolerance for it this time around. And I was being plagued by intense fears, not only for this baby, but for Tim and Mikaela as well. I was daily (hourly) giving those fears to God, but they were wearing on me nonetheless. This pregnancy was zapping me on all levels, and to be completely honest, I never had complete peace about it. I had told myself weeks ago that if God would give us a healthy baby I would likely never want to put myself through this again (very different for my feelings when pregnant with Mikaela).

So here I am, my fears becoming reality. For a moment the room was closing in around us, and then, without me having to go search for it, without us uttering a word in prayer to ask for it, the peace of God began to settle in our hearts. I was filled with a quiet resolve that God was in control and all was going to be alright. (Romans 8:28) With tear-filled eyes and somber hearts, we left the imaging center and headed across the parking lot to meet with my doctor, who is a wonderful Christian lady and immediately hugged us both.  My first question for her was, “When can we try again?” That quickly God had comforted me and began to give me the desires of my heart. 

“Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 (NKJV)

This doesn’t mean He will give you whatever you want. It means that He will work in you and cause you to desire the things He wants for you.  This is how, if you are truly seeking Him, He leads you in the right path to all that He has for your life. And He, being our Father, only wants the best for us. And if we’ll let Him, He’ll blow our minds with what He does. (Luke 11:11-13, Eph 3:20)

With the D&C scheduled for the next day and so much swirling around me, my heart was at peace. Yes, I was sad and hurting, but God’s perfect peace was holding me. As we pulled into the garage this thought came to mind. “Let it not be in vain!” I want God to get all the glory and to use this tragedy in my life and in the lives of as many others as possible. I can hide, crumble into a corner and push everyone away, but then the loss of my baby would serve no one. So I want to tell everyone what has happened and most importantly what the Lord has done and is doing in our lives! So I already know the purpose for my baby’s life, short thought it was. His life will touch lives for years to come as the Lord gives me opportunity to share of His power and love through this difficult time. To God be the glory!

Please know that none of this is because of who I am. It is all because of Who God is! The feelings of peace, acceptance, and perseverance that I have and am experiencing have nothing to do with me…they are all fulfillment of God’s promises to us in scripture. He tells us to seek Him with all our hearts, “and the Peace of God will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4:6-7)This is what I have tried to do, and when I needed it the most that peace was there, just like He said it would be!

I have done a lot of note jotting in the days since (much in the middle of the night for the first few nights when God would wake me up with a truth to hold to). I will continue this series by sharing these thoughts and truths that God is using so powerfully in my life.

Love and blessings to you all. Thank you for following my story…or rather God’s story He is working out in my life.

(I’ll be away from my computer the rest of the week. Look for the next post early next week.)

Purpose in Pain: Entering the Trial (part 1)

February 22, 2011

At 8:47 a.m. I sent this message out to those on my daily scripture memorizing email.

“ ‘Jesus said to him, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 22:38-39

Maybe it's not as difficult as we think... Focus on making these two your most important goals today, and see if the other things don't start falling into place much better. Everything may not go perfectly, but I am confident that the change in your perspective will make a huge difference in both how you handle obstacles and how they affect you.”

WOW! I had no idea that in less than an hour I would be put to the test to hold to my faith and perspective as never before.

At 9:30 a.m. I had a regular check up with my doctor. At 10 and a half weeks pregnant, all of our friends and family had been learning of the exciting news over the previous weeks that Tim and I were expecting our second baby, due just a few weeks after Mikaela’s 2^nd birthday. There was no use trying to hide it, as the second time around things go faster and, in addition to being sick, I had already been using the “rubber band on the pants” trick for three weeks!

After hugs and congratulations were shared between my doctor and I, and we had discussed any questions, we were ready to get out the Doppler to hear the heartbeat for the first time. As she began to rub the wand around on my greased up, bulging belly, I waited anxiously to hear the words, “There he is!” Nothing…two more minutes…nothing…another couple of minutes…still nothing. I was shifting nervously and began to use deep breathes both to calm myself and to hold at bay any yet unfounded fears that were tugging at my mind. I knew God was in control, and I told Him as much as, finally admitting defeat, the doctor said the baby was likely hiding behind my bone and she just couldn’t get to him. She had the nurse call and have me scheduled for an ultrasound.

Leaving the office and walking across the parking lot, I was offering up prayers to God reassuring Him, and perhaps more so myself, that I was fully trusting in Him, that I knew all things were in His hands and that He was with us. Before I reached the car I called Tim to let him know what was going on.

Side note: One week from tomorrow we will be celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary. I thank God for a husband who has his priorities straight. He is a hard worker but firmly believes that family comes before work and God comes before all. It is because of his integrity and willingness to live this out that in the past five years I have never had to face anything alone.

Without hesitation, after reassuring me that he knew everything was fine, Tim left his office and met me at home in time to get in the car together and head to the imaging center. (We were further blessed that, in God’s providence, Tim’s mom was down for a visit and was able to stay with Mikaela.)

Lesson #1: Before heading out for the ultrasound, I gathered my beautiful 18 month old daughter in my arms, as hard as that is since she NEVER stops moving. She was all smiles, kisses and giggles. She had no idea that something might be wrong. She remained this way throughout the entire ordeal. She was trusting, and innocent, and showed no signs of fear. All she knew was that Mommy and Daddy were there and that, even though they may be sad, everything was going to be fine.

In Matthew 11:25 Jesus said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.” And in Matthew 19:14 He said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

Our children have so much to teach us!

We’ll pick up form here on the next post. Stay tuned!

Purpose In Pain

Coming this week! Go on this journey with me. Life can be hard, but God is great! Starting this week I will begin a series here sharing much of what the Lord has taught and is teaching me through the recent pain of losing our pregnancy. I hope that you will join me, and that you will be inspired by the power, love, and unending grace of our great God!

"Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4 (The Amplified Bible)

My friends, there is purpose in pain! What Satan intends for evil, God can and will work for our good if we will allow Him to.

More coming soon!